The Fire And Being Forged

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Life doesn’t always go as planned… I learned this the hard way. I even dug my heels in against the direction the universe was sending me, so the universe got louder.

In the blink of an eye, my entire life changed, and I was thrust onto a path I could no longer resist. When I closed my eyes, I was 23 years old and 39 weeks pregnant with my first son, Rylan, sitting in the passenger side of the car reading my book “Birthing Without Fear”. When I opened them, it was a week later, I was in the hospital, surrounded by friends and family whose faces told me they weren’t sure they would ever get me back. My little ‘89 Toyota Corolla was T-boned by a cement truck at approx 50mph. The car was wrapped around me, leading to an extended extraction time, increasing my mortality rate. Thankfully, an amazing trauma surgeon heard my case called in, and an incredible trauma team prepared for my arrival. They weren’t sure I would survive, but I beat the odds. There is so much more and I will save those details for another time. They aren’t the focus of this book.

Waking up was strange as I didn’t know how much time had passed and had no conscious memories from the previous week. I don’t have a conscious memory of being told that my son had died. The way my heart protected itself was just thinking he was in the nursery while I recovered. As the days unfolded, I would learn how I died multiple times and my emergency and trauma team fought diligently to save my life. They never gave up on me and I am so grateful. I would learn that I lost my uterus, due to rupture. My future of having children was unclear as my one remaining ovary was so badly damaged from the car accident it might not work. My medical team was preparing me for early menopause, just in case. I would learn that it was unclear how long rehabilitation would take, or if I would return to my prior level of function, because of the extent of my injuries. I would learn that I could buy a small house with the cost of my portion of the medical debt.

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I learned how to cope with the plentitude of things this accident brought to my life and it allowed me to be here, writing this book, today. It took me a long time to fully accept what happened and to be grateful for the lessons it taught me. In fact, I dug my heels in against the learning because my traumatized heart thought that meant being thankful I lost my son. I didn’t see how I was holding myself back as a result and putting my life on hold.

I believed I was being a “good mom”...

Then, one year later…I lost my second son, Kearnan, at 6 months gestation. I collapsed onto the cold, hard, tile floor in the ultrasound room when I saw no movement and no heart beating. The loss was devastating. It was like second impact syndrome, but for life. I couldn’t believe this was happening again. My brain and heart were trying to understand why I was being punished, because I was not aware of the deeper lessons in all of this. I was just a heartbroken mother who had to bury my babies. They are, side-by-side, in a cemetery called “Baby Land”. How do you tell a mother to move on with her children gone? I didn’t know then that wasn’t the right thought or question. I still had more important lessons to learn before I started paying attention to what I needed to learn so I could grow.

A fire ignited in my heart and just wanted to live, love and be happy. I started paying attention to some of the lessons, and 1 year later, my son, Brennan, was born. I heard him crying as I entered the birthing center. As I walked into the nursery, he turned his head and stopped crying. The nurse said, “He knows you’re his parents”. I got to breastfeed him and I remember just repeating “This is what mommies do”. I sat there holding my baby, thinking I was finally on the other side. Nothing else mattered. I was so in love with my son and I would be the best mom, no matter what it required of me.

There were still more lessons and I won’t go into all of them in this book. Just know that lessons keep repeating themselves until we learn them. I learned I’m more stubborn than I ever thought because the universe was working overtime to get me to wake up. I don’t recommend it so don’t do what I did, learn from my mistakes.